Vitser om norske – i Norge og USA

An Ole’ Scandinavian Lefse Recipe    (a little lefse humor)

Yew tak yust ten big potatoes
Den yew boil dem til dar don,
Yew add to dis some sveet cream
And by cups it measures vun.

Den yew steal ‘tree ounces of butter
And vit two fingers pench some salt,
Yew beat dis wery lightly
If it ain’t gude it is your fault.

Den yew roll dis tin vit flour
An’ light brown on stove yew bake,
Now call in all Scandihuvians
Tew try da fine lefse yew make!

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YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN IN NORWAY TOO LONG WHEN:

  • You associate warm rice porridge with Christmas
  • You think there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing
  • It seems nice to spend a week in a small wooden cottage up in the mountains, with no running water and no electricity
  • You think cross-country skiing is the only “real” skiing
  • You know at least five different words describing different kinds of snow
  • The first thing you do on entering a bank/post office/pharmacy, etc., is look for the queue number machine. You accept that you will have to queue to take a queue number.
  • A sharp intake of breath has become part of your active vocabulary
  • You associate Friday afternoon with a trip to the State Alcohol Shop
  • You think nothing of paying $200 for a bottle of “cheap” spirits at the State Alcohol Shop
  • It’s acceptable to eat lunch at 11:00 and dinner at 15:00
  • Your front door step is beginning to resemble a shoe shop – because of all the shoes
  • When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume that:
  1. he is drunk;
  2. he is insane
  3. he is a foreigner
  4. he is all of the above
  • Silence is fun
  • It no longer seems excessive to spend $300 on alcohol in a single night
  • Your old habit of being “fashionably late” is no longer acceptable
  • You are always on time
  • You know that “religious holiday” means “let’s get drunk”
  • The reason to take the ferry to Denmark is:
  1. duty free vodka
  2. duty free beer
  3. to party
  • You enjoy the taste of lutefisk (cod in lye)
  • You use “Mmmm” as a conversation filler
  • An outside temperature of 9 degrees Celsius is mild (in mid June)
  • You wear sandals with socks
  • You have only two facial expressions, smiling or blank
  • You only buy your own drink at the bar, even when you are with a group of people
  • Traditional dinners may not necessarily mean a cooked meal
  • You think it’s acceptable to wrap your hotdog in a cold pancake
  • You can’t remember when to say “please” and “excuse me”
  • You believe that having no choice of products in a supermarket makes it easier to shop
  • You have more than one scarf
  • You have more than one hat and at least one of them has ear flaps
  • You know the difference between Blue and Red ski wax
  • You don’t fall over when walking on ice
  • Always prepare to catch the closing door if following too closely behind somebody
  • You know the rules for handball
  • You can prepare fish in five different ways without cooking it
  • You vigorously defend whaling and enjoy consuming whale meat
  • You enjoy cod prepared in any way, including fried cod tongues
  • You don’t question the habit of always preparing a «matpakke» (sandwich in paper)
  • It feels natural to wear sport clothes and backpack everywhere, including the cinema, bowling alley, and to church
  • You think it’s weird if a house isn’t wooden
  • You earn more than you spend
  • You are shocked if it’s not 2 months of snow every year, at least
  • You accept paying the highest taxes in the world
  • You enjoy eating Rudolf the Reindeer
  • You don’t mind living in freezing darkness half the year
  • You get to hate the Swedes
  • You realize you have to be a woman to get anywhere
  • You actually get bored with blondes!

 

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Kopi av stavkirke, bygget på «Hjemkomst Center» i Moorhead, Minnesota

 

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM HOUSTON WHEN…

  1. You must not learn to pronounce the city name. It is «Ewe-stun», not «Huestun.» Oh yea, San Felipe is pronounced «San Felipè,» not «San Filip».    And it’s “Umble”, not Humble…
  2. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
  3. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic… a «Scenic Drive.»
  4. The morning rush hour is from 5:30AM to 11:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 2:00PM to 8:00PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
  6. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
  7. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, «Oh, we must be in Pasadena!»
  8. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
  9. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
  10. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are NOT waving when they go by…
  11. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
  12. If it’s 100 degrees (38oC), Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
  13. You don’t have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.

 

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God’s expedition to Hell, ved Trondheim (foto Kristine Stewart)